On what hills are you ready to die?

Today I removed my pride flag from my office wall…

And this may be one of the only posts I make about it.
I couldn’t risk the possibility of the flag appearing in an interview and the interviewer not understanding.
I need a job and in today’s landscape good opportunities are scarce.
But is the sacrifice really worth it?
Do I even want to work somewhere that a flag may offend?
Do I even have a choice?
And what does this decision say about me?

When I was younger, I would watch movies about the holocaust and marvel at those who stuck to their convictions in the face of the threat of death. I could never understand why, if you knew it meant death, would you light a menorah? Similarly, I wondered the same of the victims of the Columbine shooting, who were allegedly asked if they believed in God.

Did they not posses the gene for self preservation? Could their convictions truly be that strong?

In some ways, that level of conviction almost seems to border on the extreme. But what if asked about other aspects of life? Simple, innocuous actions where the end result isn’t life or death, but only a mere inconvenience?

Why don’t you just cut your hair? Why don’t you wear a button up instead of a t-shirt/ a skirt instead of pants? Please don’t make certain comments in front of this person.

All such simple requests, where the only thing at stake is one’s social reputation. Nothing much to think about. A quick coin toss on how one is feeling that day might lead to how they respond… At first.
But how many small sacrifices can you make until one is changed at a fundamental level?

Don’t dress like that.
Don’t say these things.
Don’t listen to that music.
Don’t read those books.
Bring less attention to yourself.
Conform to the norm.
Follow this tradition.
Don’t talk to this individual.

Be less gay…

Hate this group…

Take from this person…

Conform or Perish.

Alexander Hamilton is attributed with the quote

• Those who stand for nothing will fall for everything.

This begs to question - on what hills are you willing to die?
In a perfect world one is never faced with these questions. In a perfect world we are all free to express ourselves how we want, love who we want, create what we want, and under the ideals of freedom, we’d face no ramifications so long as the actions are undertaken by those who are of sound mind and body and consent to the actions. So long as no one is hurt, any form of personal expression should be, not only allowed, but encouraged.

But we do not live in a perfect world.
We live in a world of bigotry, greed, ignorance, and hatred.

And therefore people push against what they don’t understand. They threaten the lives and welfare of those they wish to control and force them to decide on what hills they wish to die.

To act as oneself, a person has to perform a risk analysis to find what actions are worth their associated cons.

The metalhead has to decide if it is worth it to wear their hair long if the result means a jock shoving them into a locker.

A woman has to decide if she’ll accept the boss’s advances if it might mean benefitting her career.

The ally has to decide if they proudly display a flag or not.

Each one of these decisions slowly chip away at who we are. It begins to form us into new people.

The metalhead who only listens to Taylor Swift and who goes to pop concerts and wears polo shirts, and maybe only enjoys their music in private solitude, isn’t really much of a metalhead.

The woman who foregoes her feminist ideals to join the boys only club, accepting roles of servitude and submission only to elevate her position and comfy up to those she hates, isn’t much of a feminist.

The ally who removes their pride flag…

…

…yet I am still an ally. Only now my genes for self preservation have been triggered.

I am a coward. I accept the label. And I am not the only one.

If you can follow patterns, there are actions happening that are leaving many frightened. There are actors with questionable intentions doing certain performative actions that can have long lasting effects. Internet histories may be scoured and freedoms will be in jeopardy for many. In fact, for several different communities, they already are under attack.

This reality has brought us to a cross roads, where no matter what we do, we are picking sides. Even choosing no side at all has you gambling that the winner of this war of ideas will not decide you are the enemy by association.

So now we are asked…

ON WHAT HILL WILL YOU DIE?

And I made a decision today but taking down a pride flag so it wouldn’t be seen in a video meeting. I took it down so it wouldn’t be seen in future video content. I took it down so it wouldn’t be used against me if things take a turn for the worst.

I took it down, because those who want me to be afraid have won.

I am frightened.

Even writing this is terrifying. I can only hope I am of no importance, and this will never be read or searched for by anyone who might wish me harm. Perhaps this is all conspiratorial. I hope it is. But with the ease of search, this simple blog post could one day be a reason I find myself in court. Remember that there are people alive who lived through the “Red Scare”. A new wave of McCarthyism is is in the air and the looming reality is more horrific than any fiction I’ve ever read. This isn’t some story in which I can close the pages if I feel uncomfortable; this is real life.

The pages turn no matter how much of this story I can continue to take.

We have forgotten history and are allowing it to repeat…

But my heart the flag will still wave.

When I was younger, I would watch movies about the Holocaust. And one of those movies was Schindler’s List.

Sometimes the most impact can only happen from the inside. Sometimes the biggest actions come from the quietest voices.

Sometimes the metalhead who only listens to Taylor Swift and who goes to pop concerts and wears polo shirts, and maybe only enjoys their music in private solitude has positioned themselves to be able to talk to big name execs who can get unheard but talented artists into the mainstream.

Sometimes the woman who foregoes her feminist ideals to join the boys only club, accepting roles of servitude and submission only to elevate her position and comfy up to those she hates, has sacrificed her soul so she could build a platform for others to follow while protecting them from the same abuses she had to take.

Sometimes the ally who removes their pride flag wants to be able to do whatever they can for as long as they can to make this world a better place, without loosing the game in the first round.

We all need to chose a hill to die on.

No choice is still a choice.

Your decisions will have value.

They will have repercussions.

I only hope that when we are delivered beyond this hell we call life, we die having made decisions we can live with.

May God Bless Us All.